There are many articles around on the internet about all types of narcissism and the dangers of being in a relationship with someone who has these tendencies. The advice is clear : get away from the situation as quickly as possible. Anyone who is more on the codependent side of the continuum will testify that this is harder to put into practice than it sounds. However, what if the narcissist is your parent and has cloned you to be a living “perfect” version of him or her,? A child chosen to heal the parent’s own broken past. It happens more than we might imagine. For ease, I have highlighted this case with father and daughter. However, this concept is not limited to just that.

The concept of the “golden child” in a family centers around one child being favored or perceived as special by the parents, often significantly more than their siblings. This favoritism can stem from various reasons, such as the child’s abilities, traits, or their alignment with what the parents value or expect.

The presence of a golden child in a family can lead to a range of effects on the other children, impacting their emotional and psychological well-being. For instance, siblings of the golden child often grapple with low self-esteem. They may feel less valued or loved, leading to feelings of inadequacy. This situation can be exacerbated if parents make direct or indirect comparisons between the children.

Resentment is another common outcome. This resentment can be directed towards the golden child, who is seen as the recipient of unfair advantages and attention, and towards the parents for their perceived partiality. This can create a tense and competitive atmosphere within the family, damaging the siblings’ relationships with each other and with their parents. Additionally, the other children might feel intense pressure to excel or perform in certain areas to gain parental recognition and approval. This often leads to high levels of stress and anxiety, as they strive to meet what they perceive as family standards or expectations.

The family dynamics also tend to become strained. Healthy relationships between siblings can be hard to establish and maintain, as the non-favored children might struggle with feelings of jealousy or injustice. Similarly, their relationship with their parents can be affected, as they might feel neglected or less important. There are also issues related to identity development. Siblings may find it challenging to develop their own sense of self, constantly comparing themselves to the favored child and feeling as though they don’t measure up. This can lead to a lack of self-confidence and difficulties in recognizing their own strengths and abilities.

In some cases, siblings react by rebelling against family norms and values. This rebellion can be a way for them to assert their individuality, express their frustration with the family dynamics, or distance themselves from the shadow of the golden child. Emotional distancing is another coping mechanism. To mitigate the pain of feeling less favored, siblings may emotionally withdraw from family interactions, which can lead to isolation and a sense of disconnection within the family unit.

It’s crucial to understand that the role of the golden child is not without its challenges. They often face unrealistic expectations and may feel immense pressure to maintain their status, which can be a heavy burden.

Overall, the dynamics of favoritism in a family are complex and can have lasting impacts on the emotional and psychological well-being of all family members. It’s important for parents to be aware of these dynamics and strive for a more balanced and equitable approach to parenting.

A parent who has developed a sense of narcissism through his own dysfunctional childhood often believes that by bringing a “perfect ” child into the world and being seen as a “perfect” parent, he can heal the wounds of his own childhood. This scenario is often played out through a “chosen” child, the prince or princess who gets all his unhealthy attention. Through this child, he is proving to all of the people who doubted his self-worth (including himself) that he is a worthwhile individual with real value. However, the emotional manipulation that goes hand-in hand with being the chosen one creates havoc for the child leading to extreme codependency or the next generation of narcissists.

Since a narcissist parent will use emotional manipulation that is based on his own shame, anxiety and self-loathing, he will rely on his chosen child to make him feel competent and worthwhile and the child is burdened with the ongoing responsibility of making her parent feel good about himself. The child rarely develops a healthy identity of her own and is seen as just an extension of their parent’s raging ego issues. The child is given the never -ending task of primarily “pleasing” the parent to the detriment of personal ambition and relationships. As this child grows up and in an attempt to deal emotionally with the demands placed on her by the parent , she adapts to the narcissist parent by becoming an accommodating child. This will bring in turn praise and conditional love as long as the child continues to feed the monster. Codependency is formed when a child incorporates this behavior as a habit on its search for unconditional love. Those who resist are given harder treatment and are more likely to be narcissists in later life due to being cast out as a “problem child”.

In practice, the above scenario often moves into the child’s adulthood unchanged. Her prime task set as a child continues, causing havoc with relationships, self-esteem and the child’s own parenting style. This is a child who has been taught to first think about her narcissist parent’s needs before her own. Her parent, who is often to the outside world, a loving father, successful businessman and a pillar of the community, is in reality an ego driven individual who has a grandiose sense of superiority over everyone around him . The demands placed on those chosen to be in his inner circle are impossible to fulfill and tailored only towards his needs. The chosen child may at one stage decide to resist and make decisions based on her needs, something that could be very new to a person who has been controlled all her life in her choice of career and partner. This causes the classic narcissist injury, revoking old feelings of rejection and abandonment for the narcissist parent who responds with classic emotional manipulative tactics..emotional withdrawal, disapproval and focus on the less chosen children in the family. This punishment is done with the knowledge that the codependent child will always return, seeking forgiveness and apologizing for what they have “done”. The child is trapped in the psyche of the narcissist parent who sees her achievements as an extension of his abilities as a “parent”. The parent is motivated to care constantly for her because it makes him feel good about himself.

While the child is extremely codependent towards the narcissist parent, it is often a different story with other people she becomes involved with. Here she resists any form of treatment that she perceives as controlling and manipulative and often plays a narcissist role herself and becomes an emotional manipulator. Given that she has learned to be pleasing and accommodating and is seemingly stable, she will attract partners easily. However, any relationship that is likely to clash with her incessant need to please the narcissist parent will be discarded, even if in some cases she might have wanted to stay in the relationship. Worse case scenario for her is the disapproval of her partner by the narcissist parent. This places her in conflict between his and her needs and true to form, her needs are subdued.

For the chosen child, life is never easy until they can learn to put healthy boundaries around their own and other people’s behavior. They first have to understand what is really happening to them. They often refuse to see their narcissist parent for what they are. They are held by the child on a pedestal beyond reproach, their counsel sacred and the child often sees the narcissist parent as the only one who can truly understand them and provide them with the security they need. In effect, they are just only another pawn in the narcissist parent’s need to feel good about himself. It is child abuse of the highest order.

Dr Nicholas Jenner

Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.