Discovering that you are codependent can be an overwhelming realisation , but it’s also a crucial first step towards healing and reclaiming your autonomy.

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Codependency is the undiagnosed disorder of our modern age. Often misunderstood, often misdiagnosed, often unrecognised, it is said to affect vast amounts of people across the globe. It does not discrimate between gender, race, age or culture and is indeed generational as well. That said, there is strong evidence that women are more likely to be affected. This is borne out in my experience working daily with codependents. It can cause misery to anyone afflicted and can indeed be confusing for many who seem to have it all together in business or other aspects of their lives but are child like in their relationships. It is truly a tentacle that keeps us attached to a dysfunctional, perhaps traumatic childhood. The same behavior used to in childhood is in effect being played out as an automatic response in adulthood time and time again. You will find many stories and testimonials on the internet and in books detailing how people have been afflicted by codependency. This shows the scale of the issue. Let’s now look at codependency and what it is and isn’t.

Codependency is not an illness and is not, as yet a recognised mental disorder. It is not in my opinion a symptom of another illness or disorder. Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you’re likely codependent. Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Codependency is a complex emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is often characterized by a person’s excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support due to an illness, addiction or is emotionally distant. Most people know this or have read articles stating this. Originally, the term was used to describe the spouses of individuals with alcoholism but has since expanded to encompass a wide range of codependent behaviors beyond the context of substance abuse.

The concept of codependency has evolved over the years, from its roots in the fields of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)  to a broader understanding within psychological and social work realms. This evolution reflects a growing awareness of the dynamics that contribute to unhealthy relationships, where one person’s help enables the other’s dependency or dysfunction.

Understanding codependency is crucial not only for those who suffer from it but also for professionals helping individuals navigate their way out of codependent patterns. Recognizing the signs and symptoms of codependency can lead to more effective interventions and support systems that foster healthier relationships and personal growth. Not all therapists or practitioners in the medical or psychiatry fields are convinced about codependency and prefer to believe that it might be symptom of a more diagnosable disorder.

Needless to say, there are others, me included that see the misery and dysfunction that codependency causes. I have been very candid in podcasts and articles about my own codependency. Reflecting on the type of childhood I had led to codependent behaviors in adulthood, certain patterns and family dynamics come into sharp focus. Growing up in an environment where emotional needs were consistently unmet or where the boundaries between the child and caregiver were blurred laid the groundwork for my codependency. I learnt that my value was tied to my ability to meet the needs of others and always neglecting my own. So I am living testimony that it exists, I believe.

The psychological underpinnings of codependency are both complex and multifaceted, involving a blend of emotional, cognitive, and behavioral patterns that stem from one’s upbringing and experiences. At its core, codependency is characterized by a deeply ingrained tendency to place others’ needs above one’s own, often at the expense of one’s well-being. Let’s now delve into the psychological characteristics of codependent individuals, the role of childhood trauma and upbringing in the development of codependency, and the common emotional and cognitive patterns observed in codependent behaviors.

Codependent individuals often exhibit a range of psychological characteristics that can include low self-esteem, a pervasive need for approval and validation from others, difficulty setting boundaries, an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others, and an intense fear of rejection or abandonment. These traits are not only indicative of codependency but also contribute to the maintenance of codependent behaviors within relationships.

The roots of codependency nearly always trace back to childhood, where dysfunctional family dynamics, such as living with an alcoholic parent, experiencing emotional neglect, parental overprotection or being part of a highly enmeshed family system, play a significant role. In such environments, children may learn to suppress their own needs and feelings to maintain family harmony or to avoid conflict. In the case of overprotection, children do not learn resilience and perseverance and often look for that strong person in their life who will replace the overprotective parent. All of This adaptive behavior, while necessary for survival in a dysfunctional family setting, sets the stage for the development of codependent patterns in adulthood.

Emotionally, codependent individuals may experience chronic feelings of anxiety, guilt, or inadequacy, driven by the belief that they must constantly care for or fix others to be worthy of love and affection. Cognitively, they often engage in black-and-white thinking, where they see themselves as completely good or bad based on their ability to please others or meet their perceived expectations. This cognitive distortion reinforces the cycle of codependency, as individuals become increasingly entangled in the needs and problems of others, often at the cost of their own mental and emotional health.

The understanding of these psychological frameworks is crucial in identifying and addressing codependent behaviors. By recognizing the deep-seated emotional and cognitive patterns that fuel codependency, individuals can begin the process of healing and developing healthier relationship dynamics.

Codependency is rooted in theories that examine the interplay between an individual’s emotional development and their relationships. Psychological theories, such as attachment theory, suggest that codependent behaviors may stem from early childhood experiences and many observers see the psychological underpinning of codependency in two particular types of trauma in childhood, something that I fully agree with. The first is:

Developmental Trauma: Developmental trauma refers to the exposure to highly stressful, often chronic, events during childhood. These events can range from physical, emotional, or sexual abuse to neglect, loss of a caregiver, or exposure to domestic violence. Such traumas disrupt the normal development of the brain and nervous system, leading to difficulties in regulating emotions, forming healthy relationships, and developing a stable sense of self. The effects of developmental trauma can be profound and long-lasting, impacting an individual’s ability to cope with stress and navigate the complexities of adult relationships.

Relational Trauma: While developmental trauma focuses on adverse experiences in childhood, relational trauma extends to traumatic experiences within significant relationships at any stage of life. This includes toxic relationships, betrayal, emotional abuse, and abandonment by partners, friends, or family members. Relational trauma specifically affects an individual’s ability to trust, engage in, and maintain healthy interpersonal relationships. It can lead to patterns of attachment that are insecure, avoidant, or disorganized, each of which can significantly impair an individual’s emotional well-being and relational dynamics. However, this mirrors early childhood experiences.

Both developmental and relational traumas have a profound impact on psychological development. They can alter the way individuals perceive themselves and others, leading to issues such as low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and a pervasive sense of insecurity. The brain’s development is also affected, particularly in areas responsible for emotion regulation, stress response, and attachment. This can result in heightened sensitivity to stress, difficulty managing emotions, and an overreliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

These traumas often leave individuals feeling isolated and disconnected, struggling with feelings of unworthiness and fear of abandonment. The internalization of these traumatic experiences shapes their worldview, influencing their approach to relationships and their ability to engage in healthy, reciprocal interactions.

The link between developmental/relational trauma and codependency is significant. These traumas lay the groundwork for codependent behaviors by instilling a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a compulsive need to secure love and approval from others under any circumstances and by all means. Individuals with a history of such traumas may find themselves in a cycle of seeking out relationships where they can enact familiar but dysfunctional roles, perpetuating their reliance on others for validation and a sense of identity. Codependents then engage in a process called Repetition compulsion, a Freudian concept that suggests the relationships we have in adulthood mirror significant childhood connections. The need is to fix the original by finding similar situations. Remember the question at the start: That often happens when someone different comes along. For more on repetition compulsion, listen to the podcast on this site dedicated to that.

By understanding the profound impact of developmental and relational traumas on an individual’s emotional and relational landscape, we can begin to unravel the complex dynamics that lead to codependency. This foundation is crucial for both those affected and professionals working to support them, as it highlights the importance of addressing underlying traumas in the journey towards healing and recovery. However, we do have to say that not everyone is convinced.

The medical and psychological communities remain divided over codependency’s classification. Critics argue the lack of clear diagnostic criteria and the absence of codependency from the DSM reflect its status as a sociocultural pop psychology concept rather than a medical disorder. Skeptics point to the risk of pathologizing normal supportive behaviors within relationships, suggesting the term is too broadly applied. While there is a danger of overdiagnosis and indeed self-diagnosis, clear evidence is there of behavioural patterns that suggest that codependency not only exists but is prevelant in the society we live in. I for one, am quite pleased that it is not in the DSM. It would soon have a medical model attached to it and no doubt suggested medication to go along with that.