The likelihood is that a person exhibiting these traits has been taught as a child that it is dangerous to express feelings and thoughts (a natural developmental process) and has been told to keep quiet and “speak when you are spoken to”. This leaves the codependent at a distinct disadvantage in terms of relationships where good communication is the key to a functional relationship. 

Of course, we know that any relationship that has an element of codependency is dysfunctional by nature. As I stated in my Therapy on Demand- Self Leadership for Codependents program, it’s not just the codependency but the people that codependents are often attracted to that causes the issues. A perfect dysfunctional union of a needy, controlling codependent matched with an emotionally defunct and distant, selfish other is about as bad as it gets. Yet, these relationships are more common that one might think and most shocking, maintain themselves over a long period of time. The reason why is usually that major issues are mostly avoided as the emotionally distant has no desire to discuss and the codependent is afraid of upsetting the apple cart, so it rumbles along with its dysfunctional status quo leading the way. 

As someone who has always had to manage codependent tendencies, I know with deep regret and shame how not setting boundaries and talking up for myself in relationships can hurt. It is often accompanied by a feeling of impending doom and anxiety that speaking up will bring blowback and consequences. The paradox is that I know that the kind of people who will resist boundaries and effective communication will likely despise me for being “weak”. So, I have often let things go, thinking “it’s not worth it” or “they have enough on their plate”. All this does is build a huge ball of resentment and anger that eventually erupts all at once. This primarily does nothing but hand more ammunition to the other person to mostly avoid taking responsibility for their actions. 

While I still struggle sometimes in my private life, I have got far better as I have worked on my personal autonomy to ensure that I have independent thinking and action. I have realised that I have a right to be treated properly in a relationship and every right to set boundaries and consequences if I’m not. I have understood that my fear comes from the fact that I was constantly shut down as a growing child by parents who had no interest in hearing much of what I had to say. When I started middle school at 11, I was shy, timid, wouldn’t stand up to bullies and generally considered myself ‘not normal’. This led to my mistrust of people generally and the idea that I needed to “serve” people in romantic relationships to be accepted. I went from rabid fixing to passive aggressive distancing and was generally a nightmare to be with. 

What I am saying here is that communication in relationships is hard enough. We are all incompatible until we do the work to become as compatible as possible. This is not a natural process but if you add codependency into the mix, it suddenly becomes much more difficult. Especially, as stated earlier, with someone who is a natural dysfunctional fit. 

So what can you do as a codependent to better communicate? It may be beneficial to begin by allowing yourself a brief period of silence before beginning to speak of something. During this moment, focus your attention to your own feelings and pay attention to the sensations that are occurring in your body as well as your emotional state. If you give yourself freedom to breathe and reflect, it will be much simpler for you to articulate your viewpoint in a manner that is more truthful and composed. This purposeful pause gives you the opportunity to identify your own needs during talks that are tense or anxious. Instead of immediately moving your focus to the preferences of the other person, you can take this time to acknowledge your own needs.

It is possible to lessen the impact of attracting attention to a worry by use statements that are unambiguous and plain, such as “I feel,” “I need,” or “I notice.” Due to the fact that they concentrate on your internal reality rather than pointing fingers, these expressions are less likely to be interpreted as accusations. Using these personal remarks on a consistent basis helps to reaffirm that your experiences are valid, which can help to alleviate any feelings of guilt that you may have about taking up space in the conversation.

It may be helpful to remember yourself that fighting for your personal well-being does not necessarily require you to create distance with other people when you are expressing discomfort or that you have alternative viewpoints. It is possible to maintain open and constructive conversation by using a tone that is courteous and showing real concern for the sentiments of the other person. Maintaining a mild firmness, on the other hand, helps defend your limits and ensures that you do not disregard your feelings in order to placate another else.

These interactions can be strengthened even further through active listening. Following the presentation of your own viewpoint, it is crucial to demonstrate compassion by providing clarification of the other person’s words, reflecting back what you have comprehended, and asking in a gentle manner if there is anything significant that you are overlooking. This technique demonstrates true respect and encourages a willingness to listen on both sides of the conversation. In turn, you could find that it becomes simpler to express what you need to express as a result of the foundation of understanding that has been formed.

In the event that the discussion becomes heated or overpowering, you might want to take a moment to gather your thoughts. Taking a brief break from the conversation will help avoid it from becoming more heated, as you will be able to return to it with a more composed frame of mind. It is possible that you may take this opportunity to remind yourself that open and honest communication is not only acceptable but also necessary for genuine intimacy. Reassure yourself that voicing your wants and boundaries is a sign of caring, not only for yourself but also for the relationship you are in.

Making seemingly insignificant decisions on a regular basis to communicate with clarity and self-awareness can frequently result in a feeling of increased connectedness over time. When you share your honest experiences with others, you may discover that it does not drive them away but rather welcomes mutual understanding and deeper regard. This may be accomplished via patience and practice. You are able to create balanced talks in which everyone’s feelings are taken into consideration, including your own, when you give yourself the same understanding that you offer to other people.