As someone who identifies strongly with having a codependent personality (I am people pleasing, enabling, avoidant and sometimes controlling through passive aggressiveness), I know how difficult it is to change a mindset focussed on others. Codependents always get their validation from the adoration from others. Codependents derive their value from others because their self-worth was often shaped by early relationships where love and approval were conditional. Many grew up in environments where their needs were ignored, dismissed, or overshadowed by a parent’s emotions, leading them to believe that being useful, accommodating, or self-sacrificing was the only way to be loved. Over time, they internalize the idea that their worth depends on how much they can do for others rather than who they are. This deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment keeps them trapped in a cycle of seeking validation through caretaking, people-pleasing, and suppressing their own needs.

So you can perhaps understand why codependents especially, find change hard. They have no reason to change because change will, in their minds, confront them with their worst fears and for them even a bad relationship is better than none and the fear of being alone. It has been that way with me at times in my life. While I still can be avoidant and especially when vulnerability is likely to happen, I have at least found personal autonomy through the things I like to do alone. This usually involves nature and the countryside. 

I had to really bite the bullet to make this happen and initial attempts didn’t work because I felt guilty leaving my partner alone while I did something for me. I would convince myself that she really needed me to be around, only to be told later that she had her own things planned because she thought I was going to be elsewhere! I have since made sure that when I promise myself I am going to do something, I do it. Sometimes, it is just a question of pushing yourself over that initial resistance. 

Change is hard because it disrupts the deep-seated patterns that determine a person’s identity, many of which are formed in childhood. Parental bonds are vital, as early experiences shape self-image, relationships, and worldview. Attachment theory says that how parents respond to their child’s needs affects their ability to trust, adapt, and deal with problems later. Insecure attachment—through neglect, inconsistency, or excessive control—can cause concerns that make change feel hazardous, while secure attachment encourages confidence and resilience.

Neuroscience confirms this by revealing that childhood events change neuronal networks. The brain forms a “default setting” for emotions and behaviours based on repeated interactions. If someone grew up in a setting where change was associated with instability, failure, or rejection, their nervous system may react to new prospects with worry or resistance. This is why people may feel stuck in self-sabotage or procrastination even when they know change is needed.

The emotional link with parents also influences self-worth and motivation. If a youngster learns that love is conditional—only provided when they achieve or satisfy expectations—they may internalise a fear of failure, making it hard to take risks. Conversely, those who were unduly shielded may struggle with independence, equating change with abandonment or loss. Even good change feels threatening due to these worries, causing avoidance or self-doubt.

Trauma can make this harder. Studies demonstrate that adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are associated to greater rates of anxiety, sadness, and problems regulating emotions. The brain is geared for survival, not growth, when early interactions are unpredictable or emotionally unavailable. So, even if the current circumstance is difficult, going into the unknown—whether it’s leaving a toxic relationship, changing careers, or stopping a bad habit—can feel overwhelming.

More than willpower is needed to break these habits. It rewires the brain via new experiences, emotional healing, and likely, therapy. Those who change their life often do so by addressing the emotional wounds that hold them stuck. Therapy, self-reflection, or healthy connections that model an alternative way of being may be involved.

Change resistance isn’t merely laziness or lack of discipline. It’s about the deep emotional and physiological marks of early bonds. Until those impressions are recognised and dealt with, transformation can seem like a fight against one’s past.