Many codependent relationships are built around being needed rather than truly known. This article explores how people gradually lose their sense of self through emotional over-focus on others, why calm relationships can feel unsettling, and how recovery begins by reconnecting with your own identity, needs, feelings and internal world.

In my experience, many people tend to move quickly past a certain question:

“If the person you love suddenly became completely fine, emotionally steady, calm, no longer needing your support, your reassurance or your constant attention , would you still know who you are?”

Most people will answer this question immediately with a sensible, logical response. “Of course I would!”. ” We have a healthy relationship!”. However, press them a bit further and their conviction is not so deep. First comes the socially acceptable answer but underneath, there is maybe some hesitation, doubt or panic. The truth is that many people, especially codependents, have built an identity around being needed.

That is why I created the Dr Nicholas Jenner Audio Programme The full programme is available for 300 USD and includes lifetime access to all audio sessions., including any updates There are no subscriptions and no time pressure. You can revisit the material whenever needed, because emotional recovery is rarely linear and most people need to return to certain themes more than once as their understanding deepens.

Alongside the programme, I also include two free therapy or coaching sessions during the course itself. Sometimes people reach important points in the work where personal guidance, clarification or support can make a significant difference.

This programme was created for people who are tired of living emotionally reactive lives while pretending everything is fine. People who are exhausted from overthinking relationships. People who have spent years trying to keep everybody else emotionally stable while quietly disappearing themselves in the process.

You can explore the full programme here:

Dr Nicholas Jenner Audio Programme

This is often not conscious and not usually manipulation in the true sense. It develops through years of adaptation of becoming the useful one, the calm one, the reliable one. The one who absorbs all the chaos and keeps things going. The one who has become highly skilled at noticing emotional shifts in other people, sometimes before they do. The one who steadies everyone, softens conflict and anticipates dysfunction. Over time, the one who cannot seperate love from usefullness, leading to self-erasure.

This doesn’t happen in a dramatic sense and nobody wakes up one morning and decides to take on that role of abandoning themselves. It happens through small adjustments over a period of time that become habit. You stop communicating your own stress because theirs feels bigger. You adapt behaviour to preserve connection and that feels like passion, mature even. This is the lie we have been sold by society in that we give our all to the chosen one. However, some soon recognise that their whole life has become organised around somebody else’s emotional state.

This is one of the main aspects of codependency and rarely looks like anything other than love from the outside, even to the codependent themselves. The codependent appears kind, thoughtful and supportive, but underneath that public facade is often exhaustion, hyper vigilance and a lack of identity.

When I suggest this to people in therapy, the often resist the notion. They immediately start talking about how full their lives are, their friends and pastimes and how they have a healthy routine, and indeed, those things can co-exist with codependency. However, people can lose themselves while remaing highly functional. Someone can have a full schedule and still not know who they are as an individual. That is why this question can feel strangely confronting. If I am no longer needed, then what remains of me?

For many codependents, the honesty associated with giving an honest response is deeply uncomfortable because such vulnerability is unfamiliar. I know it was for me when I realised how much I have been rescuing, fixing and controlling partners over the years. Codependents are attracted to chaos through their nervous system that learnt to adapt to it as a child. Due to this, calmness is rejected for unpredictability and crisis. Many codependents creates crises just to maintain connection through rescuing. Without this, the space feels extremely empty and frightening. Looking inward is intimidating when you have spent your life regulating the external.

There is no quick fix to this issue and it takes hard work, effort and allowing yourself to sit in discomfort, disappointment and pain without trying to escape it. Standing back and observing how you try to jump in and rescue, take responsibility for issues that are not yours is hard. This is called working towards personal autonomy.

It is very easy to practice personal autonomy when we are not in a relationship. Sometimes, as a means of survival, we need to get our act together and look after ourselves when alone. For codependents, this is often a time of stubborn avoidance. I have heard terms like ‘ I will never be in a relationship again‘ or ‘ I don‘t want anyone‘. This usually lasts until the next ‘The One‘ relationship appears. The fact is that if we can truly say that we are managing our codependent tendencies to the extent, we do not lose ourselves, personal autonomy is absolutely essential.

I have learnt this painful lesson as my life has developed. As a codependent myself, I have traditionally put the needs of others before myself. This is not altruistic but in a sense egoistic. It was means of control to ensure that I am indispensable in the lives of the people I want in my life. The background is, of course, that I believed on a deeper level, that I would not be accepted for who I really am (not that I really knew who that was earlier in my life). It came across as controlling and smothering and who wants that? Some will because they have an agenda of their own. Personal autonomy is not only essential but attractive to the right potential partners, who might want to retain their own. These people are often called narcissists by pop psychology but this is healthy narcissism, a very misunderstood concept. 

So what does personal autonomy look like in a relationship? Below, I discuss this. It is worth fighting for and be aware of anyone who wants it different, including yourself!

Personal autonomy in a relationship is manifested via the subtle yet significant activities of daily living. This ensures that each individual is able to keep their sense of self while being emotionally attached to another person. The first step is to acknowledge the significance of autonomy, which can be defined as the ability and liberty to freely express oneself and make one’s own decisions. In order to ensure the well-being and longevity of any relationship, it is essential to consider this component, as it helps to establish a foundation of mutual respect, growth, and contentment.

When it comes to exercising personal liberty on a daily basis, one of the most important approaches is to respect the space and privacy of individuals. With the understanding and appreciation that each partner has for the other’s need for personal time and space, they acknowledge that time apart is not only beneficial but essential for the development of their own personal growth. The manifestation of this can take the form of having distinct locations within the home that each individual can withdraw to, or it can be the practice of keeping certain portions of one’s life for themselves. Regarding the other person’s need to be alone or to participate in personal activities without feeling abandoned or anxious, it is about honouring that need.

One of the most important factors in preserving one’s independence is the pursuit of one’s personal interests and hobbies. It entails actively supporting one another to participate in activities and hobbies that are done outside of the context of the relationship. Not only does this make it possible for individuals to develop and investigate their interests, but it also brings new vitality and experiences back into the relationship, which helps it to become more fulfilling.