Welcome the the first week of the Codependent Diary. B is a fictional character based my client’s experiences. All events depicted here actually happened in someone’s life (or a group of people) in the last week. Permission was sought to use life events but no names have been revealed……
I have always known that I am a certain type of person. I give generously and without limits but only recently have I come to the awareness that I do this for a very good reason. I have the expectation of return. When I say return, I know now that I want to obligate the person I do things for. I buy their love and hence my security. In theory. However, I also know that I react in a certain way when I perceive that that return is not forthcoming. I am always hypervigilant and looking for clues as to whether my needs are to be fulfilled. When not, I get panicky and nasty. This was all pointed out to me in therapy recently. I am codependent. Not that I didn’t know….I just didn’t want to hear it.
I had a bad fight with A this week. A is my partner and the one I chose a long time ago to spend the rest of my life with. Yet, I am insecure about the future. I watch him constantly and put him under scrutiny to see if his mood changes. When I think it does, I sense trouble and panic. Then I lose control. Yes, as a codependent, I have anger issues when frustration builds. My therapist who understands codependency said this is normal for codependents. I know it is normal for me. Anyway, I blew my top when I sensed that he wasn’t giving me the reassurance I felt I needed and that was it..the red zone. Accusation after accusation, blaming and insult flew in his direction…bad, hurtful stuff that cut deep. I was overwhelmed with the anger and then the guilt and shame. I went back to a time long ago…… Instead of the reassurance I wanted, I got the opposite. Looking back now, I see what what went wrong and that point where I could have stopped it. That is my issue. I know but I don’t do it. When things died down, I was rightly chastised by him and by myself and told it can never happen again. What a week!! I am working on how to deal with the triggers that cause this. I am beginning to understand.
Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.
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Is it considered codependent if rather than nasty and angry the person gets depressed and self-flagellating?
Thank you for the comment….yes, codependents show a range of behaviors from anger to silence and depression.