Welcome the the first week of the Codependent Diary. B is a fictional character based my client’s experiences. All events depicted here actually happened in someone’s life (or a group of people) in the last week. Permission was sought to use life events but no names have been revealed……
I have always known that I am a certain type of person. I give generously and without limits but only recently have I come to the awareness that I do this for a very good reason. I have the expectation of return. When I say return, I know now that I want to obligate the person I do things for. I buy their love and hence my security. In theory. However, I also know that I react in a certain way when I perceive that that return is not forthcoming. I am always hypervigilant and looking for clues as to whether my needs are to be fulfilled. When not, I get panicky and nasty. This was all pointed out to me in therapy recently. I am codependent. Not that I didn’t know….I just didn’t want to hear it.
I had a bad fight with A this week. A is my partner and the one I chose a long time ago to spend the rest of my life with. Yet, I am insecure about the future. I watch him constantly and put him under scrutiny to see if his mood changes. When I think it does, I sense trouble and panic. Then I lose control. Yes, as a codependent, I have anger issues when frustration builds. My therapist who understands codependency said this is normal for codependents. I know it is normal for me. Anyway, I blew my top when I sensed that he wasn’t giving me the reassurance I felt I needed and that was it..the red zone. Accusation after accusation, blaming and insult flew in his direction…bad, hurtful stuff that cut deep. I was overwhelmed with the anger and then the guilt and shame. I went back to a time long ago…… Instead of the reassurance I wanted, I got the opposite. Looking back now, I see what what went wrong and that point where I could have stopped it. That is my issue. I know but I don’t do it. When things died down, I was rightly chastised by him and by myself and told it can never happen again. What a week!! I am working on how to deal with the triggers that cause this. I am beginning to understand…..