The ideal woman for many men comes straight out of a codependent checklist. Many women are taught from an early age that they have to be a certain “way” around men. I have often dealt with women who are involved with abusive, emotionally distant men and cannot see that this is not functional for them. When the relationship is finally over, they are likely to move on the next one that is a mirror image. They often proclaim in therapy that they do not understand how it happened to them. How a sensible, logical person could fall for that! However, they do and it astounding how often women fall into this situation. It is also significant that most narcissist types are men, probably for similar reasons that we will discuss here.
In therapy, we often look at childhood to see where codependent tendencies started. I firmly believe that a type of socialization takes place at this time that not only is the root of codependency but also consolidates the idea of codependency. If we look at the typical behaviors associated with codependency, we can see that it is highly dysfunctional :
- Codependents gain positive feelings from being liked and accepted by other people.
- Codependents have a focus on helping and fixing other people
- Codependents believe that everything happening around them is something to do with them
- Partners are often seen as an extension of the codependent
- Codependents sense and feel failure if they cannot control all around them
- Codependents fear rejection and abandonment and will do anything to avoid this
- Codependents will sacrifice, martyr but show rage when there is no return
Where women are concerned, much of this behavior comes from conditioning. They see their parents behaving in the same way and see this as a blueprint for relationships. This socialization starts almost from birth. Many women will learn that they have to subdue themselves around male members of the family in an overt or covert manner. They learn that they must let men take the lead, to be pleasant, avoid certain behavior while learning others. In effect, they learn that they must let the man shine and they must stand back and work hard for affection and validation. This is often passed down from one generation to another, backed up by societal and religious concepts. Even if on the surface, everyone is equal, many women see their mothers, aunts, grandmothers in codependent relationships and believe that is the way it works. These women “struggle” on in relationships that mean their needs are not being met. Their partners are often hopelessly emotionally distant and unhelpful. Family and societal roles are fixed in stone and passed on to the next generation. Any women who tries to break this might be seen as “difficult”. Some very educated and academic women have described such a situation to me and find it hard to shake it loose.
Many men consolidate this in their search for a partner. Often, a man will be looking for a woman who looks after his needs while he provides. For many the definition of a “good woman or wife” can be compared directly to codependency. In many relationships, women will assume the role of the carer. Some will even give up good jobs in order to do so, mirroring what they experienced in childhood. Years spent in this type of situation can bring resentment, anger and confusion as to “how this happened”. This is where I usually find clients, just after a break up and trying to make sense of it all.
The power of conditioning is sometimes overwhelming and can dictate on an unconscious level how we live our lives. The conditioning we are subjected to is not our responsibility but it is 100% our responsibility to change it if we feel it is needed.
A client who has been coming to therapy for quite some time, recently had a revelation where she finally realised that her family had conditioned her as a child to believe that she needed to behave in a certain way. Intellectually, she always knew this but emotionally she could not accept it. She had always help her parents in high regard and resisted any idea or notion that they were in anyway responsible for her lot. She cried for the first time in years and has vowed to see this as an opportunity to change her belief systems.
In our time together, she has often expressed terms similar to the following:
“My family has always been that way”
“That’s just the way I am”
“Because of my past, I can’t, won’t, will never be able to”.
We all know people who explode at a moment’s notice, seem to have little patience or become overwhelmed at the slightest trigger. We all know people who hold such firm irrational beliefs about themselves that they automatically apply this irrational thinking to all they do. The statements made by my client are often heard when people try to explain, justify or make excuses for their behaviour and attitudes, or the behaviour of others. But just how much of our past experience really affects our present? One could never expect children who have been sexually, physically or verbally abused not to have some scars but even many of these have found peace and happiness through a process of closure and forgiveness, being able to love themselves and throwing off the shackles of the past.
The long-running debate about nature vs nurture has never really delivered a clear answer as to why this happens. . Are we born with a genetic toolbox given to us by our parents that predetermines our future or do we come into this world as an empty slate, ready to soak up influence from the people and circumstances around us? My opinion is that it is somewhere in the middle meaning that we are influenced by genes and environment as we grow. That said, is it really possible to change this conditioning, if you need to? My firm belief is that we are not responsible for our conditioning but we are 100 % responsible for changing it if the need is there. A client recently said to me that you can only release the past and conditioning if you are aware of its influence. That is very true. Not only awareness but the desire to change has to be there. Some people, of course, could have the awareness but not the desire to change or vice versa. I personally know how difficult it is break with the past, live in the moment and look forward and not back. I come from a background of abuse and neglect, both physically and mentally and it has taken me many years to forgive and find my true self. I know realise that we are all victims of victims but it must stop somewhere and it has with me. Breaking free from your past conditioning is one of the hardest things to do in life but is essential if a fruitful life is to be had in the present.
There are many people who believe that we can change the way we think and ultimately behave by changing our mindset or paradigm. This thinking and conditioning can be often linked to our early influences. Let me make it perfectly clear: we cannot be happy all the time, despite what we read in self-help literature and it is totally unrealistic to think so. What we need is a recognition of the importance of analysing and changing distorted thinking with a view that one is able to see situations from a different viewpoint and not place a negative connotation on everything. Analysing the ‘ vital connections’ between thoughts and emotions is the first step in breaking out of negative thinking. Additionally, thoughts that bring anger, anxiety, guilt and frustration are often unrealistic and distorted even if they seem real at that very moment. The key to stopping this is to become aware of the presence of distortions and how they develop thought patterns. The old adage, we are what we think is certainly relevant here.
Being aware of negative thought distortions is the first step in recognising what thoughts are appropriate, which should be expressed and which should be changed. However, at times anger and irritability when expressed in the right way and in the right place is totally appropriate especially within the context of a loving, honest relationship. Many people have major problems accepting the way they feel and this can lead to further distorted thinking. Ask yourself questions to determine whether feelings should be expressed or changed.
1. How long has the feeling been held? If guilt is still being shown about an event that happened long ago, we have to ask ourselves, what is the purpose of holding it for much longer?
2. Are we willing to learn from the pain of negative experiences and thoughts and see them as part of a growth process?
3. Are we willing to change the way we think about a situation if we accept that our feelings are based on distorted thoughts patterns and then face the situation constructively?
4. Are we able and willing to judge if expressing feelings like anger at any given moment is helpful or hurtful? For example, avoiding conflict in a relationship can lead to feelings of resentment that can damage the relationship.
5. Are feelings shown against something that is completely out of one’s control such as frustration at a traffic jam or the economic situation?
6. Are feelings that are being shown a cover-up for the real problem that is being suppressed?
7. Are feelings of frustration to do with unrealistic views of the world aligned with ‘should’ ‘shouldn’t’ or must thinking?
8. Are feelings to do with unrealistic self-expectations that facilitate perfectionism and ‘ all or nothing’ thinking?
9. Are the feelings attached to a general feeling of hopelessness? Many people who believe they are hopeless will go to great lengths to find the evidence to support the theory.
10. Are the feelings attached to a sense of low self-esteem? People with high self-esteem can take criticism and rejection in a constructive manner. On the other hand, people with low self-esteem see themselves as inferior and display defensiveness and become angry quicker.
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Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.